Many people have been there. Greeting the person you want to talk with might be easy, but at some point, you freeze.
You don’t know what to say next, so you don’t say anything. You might be overwhelmed by the future rather than remaining present. In other words, you might be thinking two or three steps ahead instead of just taking it a step at a time. If anxiety is part of the equation, that freeze and overthinking is common, especially if you’re attracted to the person.
Freezing and overthinking aren’t the only things that can happen. Some people go in the opposite direction.
Instead of being present, they perform. That’s equally detrimental to a conversation.
Do This Instead
Focus on the present. Don’t think about being interesting. Thinking about being interesting won’t make anyone interesting.
Instead, stay in the moment.
After you greet the person you’ve approached, don’t think about the next five minutes or even the next two. Stay in the current 15 seconds.
Picture this: You greet them. If they reply favorably and show warmth, you don’t get overwhelmed at the thought of keeping them interested.
Ask them about their day. Ask about what they mentioned in their reply. Pull on the thread of the answer.
Freezing can happen if you fear running out of things to talk about.
But Here’s the Thing…
Conversations aren’t just about talking.
Listen. In fact, listen more than you talk.
Talk from a place of listening. You won’t freeze or run out of topics to discuss.
You: Hi, how are you?
Them: Good. Thank you.
You: What are you up to today?
Them: I’m actually heading to get coffee before work.
You: Cool. I used to drink coffee. I stick to chai lattes now. How do you like your coffee?
Them: Chai is yummy! I like caramel macchiatos. Why don’t you drink coffee anymore?
You get the idea. Rather than thinking ahead and performing, the goal is to listen, make a statement, and ask questions.
Don’t stop at questions. Expand on what’s said, and share your own thoughts and experiences.
This Shouldn’t Need to be Said…but Just in Case
If someone isn’t responsive, move on. The goal of this article isn’t about creating interest where there’s none.
It’s about encouraging people to get out of their own way and have better conversations. The goal is to help you converse better with someone who has interest or is at least open to see where it goes.
At some point in the conversation, hopefully sooner rather than later, you’ll pick up on whether or not the person wants to keep talking. Either way, take the hint.
Here’s the truth: You don’t have to carry the conversation. You have to be present and curious.
So, stay curious, and let yourself converse rather than perform. Let the conversation unfold.